I've said "I'll call you when I'm ready" and even "I don't ever want to see you again." Still he calls or texts or emails once a week. It's like there's some kind of google alert set up on his email for Tuesdays: 2PM REMIND KIM OF HER ANGER AND PAIN BY COMMUNICATING WITH HER HOW SORRY YOU ARE BUT THAT YOU STILL LOVE HER.

I'm SO angry and negative! I've decided not to do ANYTHING for ANYBODY that I don't want to do. So far this involves saying things like "Yeah I've never been into (insert hobby or interest that I couldn't give a shit about)" basically trying to stop the conversation. And I feel the need to force practicality down the throats of dreamers. Yay me! Unfortunately I'm saving this attitude for friends that I think really need to hear it, while complete strangers get my full and kind attention. I guess listening to someone new is an escape of sorts.

When I said I needed some time apart two months ago, my boyfriend dumped me. I instantly became homeless (we lived on his boat) and was already jobless, sad and broke. Friends invited me on a sailing trip to Cabo San Lucas, which was a pleasant diversion at times. They wanted the company and the third watch, and my agreed contribution was to replenish their liquor cabinet. I spent less than $10 during the trip, besides $60 on liquor. 

Then I flew to my friend Sasha's, in Florida. I helped her with her toddler, and around the house. She gave me a few hundred dollars. This way I could pay my phone bill and fly out. My ex begged to have me back and my heart leapt at the thought. He persuaded me to abandon my doubts of a too-soon reunion and bought me a ticket to fly out and join him, resuming our dream together. One week later he changed his mind. This time I was dumped for good. 

I joined my close friend Nanette and went with her and her husband to Mexico for nine days. We are planning on starting a little community/sustainability type thing down there. They paid for everything except my transportation to and from Phoenix, where they had been staying with her brother. 

I emailed an old boat I'd worked on and said I'd pretty much do anything they needed for a few months. So, now I'm going to cook and do some office work back near Seattle, where I'd left last August to start a new life on a boat with my love. At least I'm not relying on handouts from friends now.

I spent most of two years investing energy, time, labor, love and money into the new life and adventure we were embarking on. And all I have learned is, again, pay attention to red flags, don't put all your "eggs in one basket," and that while I feel lucky to have generous friends, I'm sick of not having money to support myself. I had saved up quite a bit for that trip, worked hard. It's time I found a real job. Also, I've been trying the "relationship" thing out for six years now, and it's overrated. I pick the wrong guys (for me), apparently. My judgment cannot be trusted. I've hit rock bottom with this last failure and I don't want to be here again. 

I felt like writing this because some friends on facebook see my pictures from Florida, Mexico, etc. and are telling me that I have the greatest life and how envious they are. I don't think my life is bad in general, but I think it's funny that they are enamored with my life, when I have no money and when I'm relying on the generosity of friends. 

dumb leads to numb

I am so numb right now. Angry and sad too. I quit this blog last year because I fully dedicated my life and energy to someone who apparently could never do the same for me. I'm at an all time low.