i have a ryan adams mix cd that i play almost every single day while driving my delivery van. i keep forgetting to make new cds, and my iTrip sucks, and sometimes i drive out of kexp range, but this cd keeps me going above all others. i think my favorite song of all time to sing along to is his song "the sadness." it has an epic mexican/old west sound that really shows off his vocal range and passion. ryan is not the respectable musician that jack white is, but he's just as passionate in his lyrics and playing, just as GOOD a musician, and his music suits my moods more often, even calming me. one song i am always moved by, every single time i play it, is "Dear Chicago." i think it's a song about meeting someone new, and reminiscing over a sad breakup, and realizing he was falling out of love with that person. i can't say i've felt that way since hearing the song, but i love the song nonetheless. breakup songs are usually about how someone wants someone back or how about the dumpee now hates the dumper. this is the only song i can think of that just says - i respect you, i'll miss you, i guess i'm getting over you.
i'll find a youtube version or sumthin for this in a minute, but these are my favorite all time sad lines in the song:
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted back
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.
ok i found an awesome version of him doing this song on youtube. it's in london about a year ago, which is almost the same time jarad and i saw him (two nights in a row!) in pdx and seattle. the video quality sucks bigtime but the sound quality is strangely great. when ryan takes the stage and sings these slow songs, a total hush often comes over the crowd. some of his songs performed at the moore in seattle were so sad in an eerily quiet room... i bawled. but i'm a big baby sometimes. i can't wait to see him in january.
popped out
there is a postcard invitation in our kitchen inviting my roommates to a party called "the nativity." at the end it states "costumes appropriate for the birth of jesus a MUST."
no no i'm not going - i don't even know the hostess. but i do know that her girlfriend used to date a guy who temporarily dumped her to be with me. complicated, i know. it was a funny postcard.
my pop culture heroes for the week: cate blanchett and jack white. ok so jack's been on my top 2 for awhile but i watched a bunch of youtube interviews with him today. he's got such integrity - i love him. coke ad be damned. at least he didn't make any apologies. people compare his art with led zep and others, and he doesn't argue that he's an original. he explains that it's pretentious for most folks to think they can do anything original now, and he's happy honoring past artists as best he can, calling it the folk music tradition. he has an unbelievable amount of patience with foreign interviewers. i think i like it best when he explains that the digital manipulation and inorganic production rampant in recordings these days "takes all the soul out of it."
no no i'm not going - i don't even know the hostess. but i do know that her girlfriend used to date a guy who temporarily dumped her to be with me. complicated, i know. it was a funny postcard.
my pop culture heroes for the week: cate blanchett and jack white. ok so jack's been on my top 2 for awhile but i watched a bunch of youtube interviews with him today. he's got such integrity - i love him. coke ad be damned. at least he didn't make any apologies. people compare his art with led zep and others, and he doesn't argue that he's an original. he explains that it's pretentious for most folks to think they can do anything original now, and he's happy honoring past artists as best he can, calling it the folk music tradition. he has an unbelievable amount of patience with foreign interviewers. i think i like it best when he explains that the digital manipulation and inorganic production rampant in recordings these days "takes all the soul out of it."
i'm not there
saw an amazing movie tonight about bob dylan, whom i don't know enough about to fully understand everything going on in the film, but it was amazing nonetheless. i'd listened to a CBC interview last week in the van with the director, and at least got a little insight to what the film was all about. i just learned that he's the same guy who made "Safe," a film about environmental toxins with Julianne Moore that, in a way, changed how I think about that stuff. Not very many people seem to have seen it. That must have been 12 years ago when that movie came out...
Cate Blanchett played the best Bob in I'm Not There. It was fun to hear and see Jim James playing in the movie, and it was fun to try and figure out what the hell was going on, and to let myself just roll with the surrealistic display.
David Cross play's Allen Ginsberg! I almost sacrilegiously laughed out loud when he and dylan are standing below a big jesus on a cross and cate yells up "can you do some of your earlier stuff?!?" I'd read a review in a local mag saying that their movie line of all time was cate saying "get groovy or leave, man" which is freakin' great. my favorite quote was something like how we consider freedom to be able to live the way we want, but if we only live a certain way then after a while it no longer seems like freedom.
I think i connected with this movie even more today because of what i wrote earlier in the day. dylan isn't portrayed as taking himself too seriously, even seems averse to the claims that his purpose is to rally the people against war. he constantly changes. something todd haynes mentioned in the interview that doesn't seem to be well known is that dylan told lots of fictional stories in his music and actually called himself woody guthrie early on, which is why having a young black hobo play him is so perfect. also, my love for charlotte gainsburg as an actress rather than a singer was strengthened. she's very real and raw i guess. the way her face isn't perfect and her skin is pale and full of moles and freckles, and the way she stands next to the tv in her stockings or the the way she sits crying with heath ledger at their breakup. she's a very "real" and likable actress for me.
so here's a clip of cate playing dylan and david cross playing ginsberg!!
Cate Blanchett played the best Bob in I'm Not There. It was fun to hear and see Jim James playing in the movie, and it was fun to try and figure out what the hell was going on, and to let myself just roll with the surrealistic display.
David Cross play's Allen Ginsberg! I almost sacrilegiously laughed out loud when he and dylan are standing below a big jesus on a cross and cate yells up "can you do some of your earlier stuff?!?" I'd read a review in a local mag saying that their movie line of all time was cate saying "get groovy or leave, man" which is freakin' great. my favorite quote was something like how we consider freedom to be able to live the way we want, but if we only live a certain way then after a while it no longer seems like freedom.
I think i connected with this movie even more today because of what i wrote earlier in the day. dylan isn't portrayed as taking himself too seriously, even seems averse to the claims that his purpose is to rally the people against war. he constantly changes. something todd haynes mentioned in the interview that doesn't seem to be well known is that dylan told lots of fictional stories in his music and actually called himself woody guthrie early on, which is why having a young black hobo play him is so perfect. also, my love for charlotte gainsburg as an actress rather than a singer was strengthened. she's very real and raw i guess. the way her face isn't perfect and her skin is pale and full of moles and freckles, and the way she stands next to the tv in her stockings or the the way she sits crying with heath ledger at their breakup. she's a very "real" and likable actress for me.
so here's a clip of cate playing dylan and david cross playing ginsberg!!
if you're not changing the world for the better, and on a grand scale, please get over yourself.
where the fuck did everyone's sense of humor go? people take themselves SO GODDAMN SERIOUSLY! thank god the people i'm around the most, my roommates and my coworkers, have well-developed wit and the ability to laugh at themselves.
some of the stuff i got for the magazine was so completely dry and boring it made me wanna gouge out my own eyeballs. people will definitely see a trend with this 'zine: i honor and keep the best writers who make me laugh. and the thing is, you can make ANYTHING funny if you observe and quip about the silly things that mother nature or other humans are bound to throw at you. shit even it's not funny, make me FEEL something. there definitely exists stunning topics/events that evoke emotion or interest without embellishing words, but sorry, most maritime happenings aren't on par with 9/11, abu ghraib, the Titanic or even global warming.
i'm beginning to think i'm a better writer than previously assumed. not better than mason or leannie gordon, for sure, but at least 2.5 stars on a scale of five, and the majority being one or two?
i'm ranting and i'm not putting this on my "behind the 'zine" blog because it's already hard enough to get people to write and i don't want them to be further deterred. hopefully potential writers won't read THIS.
i suppose i believe how people present themselves online - my acquaintances anyway. party pictures, witticisms, etc. i think i'm pretty honest with most my online presence, except when i wake up i look a hell of a lot shittier than i do in any online pictures. through dozens of past psychological pre-employment exams i have learned that people in general believe that most of society are like themselves. as though their reality was the norm. for example, you get the question "True or false: most people steal from work if they feel underpaid by the employer" So I guess if you say "True" then they will think that you steal. ok so that's a long drawn out explanation as to why i think people are generally honest online (like i think I am). granted i leave a lot of personal stuff out, but even the negative stuff hits this blog for a few days before i delete it. i delete it because the feeling has passed and to leave it a permanent presence is to give it worth. it only deserves worth if there's something there to be learned from. being bitchy is something to aspire to NOT be.
in other news about ME, i got out of the shower and looked in the mirror today and realized i may very well be in the best physical shape of my life. my face still looks yucky sometimes, and my skin is starting to get older, but that's inevitable. i know i go through phases of self loathing or self loving, and i had a bit of a bad month in November. i stopped seeing someone who was always telling me i wasn't "ultra-hot" and that he really goes for artsy girls, mod-fashion girls, etc. etc. only for him to call me a few days after the final blow up and finally give me a fucking worthwhile compliment - a storyline all too familiar in my history. so i then asked a different guy out whom i definitely had a crush on... in fact i asked him out several times, before i forced him to directly reject me so that i would know for sure that i didn't have a chance. i think this guy is a little fucked up so it's for the best that it didn't happen between us. unfortunately i have a weakness for a sweet smile and nice legs and we're still friends, so the attraction is still there. but it's not an unrequited love thing in any respect. the next step was to go out on a few blind dates and then a dinner with a friends' coworker. the first date was good, although it seemed he wasn't sharing much of his personality with me. we made plans for a second date. the 2nd was pretty interesting - and not a real date, more of a quick meetup with someone with common interests - a fun guy who worked postproduction for movies for 13 years before deciding to work on tugs. we met for a happy hour in georgetown on the spur of the moment, traded tug stories and promised to contact each other if there were good parties/events worth attending in the near future. the third date included an amazing meal at one of the best restaurants in the country, but lets just say that i think this acquaintance feels like he's got a lot to prove to this world. nice man, though. after this marathon dating weekend i was sick and tired of devoting any energy to people i don't even know. i'm done dating. i like what my roommate jo said - "back home in australia we just end up sleeping with someone at a party and then if we realize we like each other then we pretty much become a couple for awhile." shit, i'd take THAT over dating. once you've slept with someone there's very little tension or mystery and i guess i prefer things comfortable and easy. but then again i don't go to a lot of parties and i don't like sleeping with folks i don't know. and recycling past lovers can be MESSY!! right now i'm reminded of when i was a teenager and tried to start smoking by puffin on marlboro reds. turned me off pretty quick. THAT is equivalent to 3 dates in one weekend for a person who hasn't "dated" in over 5 years.
my only other observation for today is that i think the face of this city has changed faster than every city in this country, with the exception of the constantly morphing town of Las Vegas.
some of the stuff i got for the magazine was so completely dry and boring it made me wanna gouge out my own eyeballs. people will definitely see a trend with this 'zine: i honor and keep the best writers who make me laugh. and the thing is, you can make ANYTHING funny if you observe and quip about the silly things that mother nature or other humans are bound to throw at you. shit even it's not funny, make me FEEL something. there definitely exists stunning topics/events that evoke emotion or interest without embellishing words, but sorry, most maritime happenings aren't on par with 9/11, abu ghraib, the Titanic or even global warming.
i'm beginning to think i'm a better writer than previously assumed. not better than mason or leannie gordon, for sure, but at least 2.5 stars on a scale of five, and the majority being one or two?
i'm ranting and i'm not putting this on my "behind the 'zine" blog because it's already hard enough to get people to write and i don't want them to be further deterred. hopefully potential writers won't read THIS.
i suppose i believe how people present themselves online - my acquaintances anyway. party pictures, witticisms, etc. i think i'm pretty honest with most my online presence, except when i wake up i look a hell of a lot shittier than i do in any online pictures. through dozens of past psychological pre-employment exams i have learned that people in general believe that most of society are like themselves. as though their reality was the norm. for example, you get the question "True or false: most people steal from work if they feel underpaid by the employer" So I guess if you say "True" then they will think that you steal. ok so that's a long drawn out explanation as to why i think people are generally honest online (like i think I am). granted i leave a lot of personal stuff out, but even the negative stuff hits this blog for a few days before i delete it. i delete it because the feeling has passed and to leave it a permanent presence is to give it worth. it only deserves worth if there's something there to be learned from. being bitchy is something to aspire to NOT be.
in other news about ME, i got out of the shower and looked in the mirror today and realized i may very well be in the best physical shape of my life. my face still looks yucky sometimes, and my skin is starting to get older, but that's inevitable. i know i go through phases of self loathing or self loving, and i had a bit of a bad month in November. i stopped seeing someone who was always telling me i wasn't "ultra-hot" and that he really goes for artsy girls, mod-fashion girls, etc. etc. only for him to call me a few days after the final blow up and finally give me a fucking worthwhile compliment - a storyline all too familiar in my history. so i then asked a different guy out whom i definitely had a crush on... in fact i asked him out several times, before i forced him to directly reject me so that i would know for sure that i didn't have a chance. i think this guy is a little fucked up so it's for the best that it didn't happen between us. unfortunately i have a weakness for a sweet smile and nice legs and we're still friends, so the attraction is still there. but it's not an unrequited love thing in any respect. the next step was to go out on a few blind dates and then a dinner with a friends' coworker. the first date was good, although it seemed he wasn't sharing much of his personality with me. we made plans for a second date. the 2nd was pretty interesting - and not a real date, more of a quick meetup with someone with common interests - a fun guy who worked postproduction for movies for 13 years before deciding to work on tugs. we met for a happy hour in georgetown on the spur of the moment, traded tug stories and promised to contact each other if there were good parties/events worth attending in the near future. the third date included an amazing meal at one of the best restaurants in the country, but lets just say that i think this acquaintance feels like he's got a lot to prove to this world. nice man, though. after this marathon dating weekend i was sick and tired of devoting any energy to people i don't even know. i'm done dating. i like what my roommate jo said - "back home in australia we just end up sleeping with someone at a party and then if we realize we like each other then we pretty much become a couple for awhile." shit, i'd take THAT over dating. once you've slept with someone there's very little tension or mystery and i guess i prefer things comfortable and easy. but then again i don't go to a lot of parties and i don't like sleeping with folks i don't know. and recycling past lovers can be MESSY!! right now i'm reminded of when i was a teenager and tried to start smoking by puffin on marlboro reds. turned me off pretty quick. THAT is equivalent to 3 dates in one weekend for a person who hasn't "dated" in over 5 years.
my only other observation for today is that i think the face of this city has changed faster than every city in this country, with the exception of the constantly morphing town of Las Vegas.
nobody's bitch
the darkness, the rain, the cold... is really getting to me this weekend. i'm considering finding a cooking job after polly gets married in june. on a boat, i mean. sometimes i love cooking on boats. sometimes it's hell. one thing i've realized with this delivery job is i like working alone and listening to music and making my own decisions, for the most part, on how i'm going to take on the day. i could stay at this job and never save money because my dining out habits have become outrageous, or i could join a boat and save probably, at the very very least (we're talking if i was on a traditional boat) $500 per month. I could have pursued the cooking job on Bounty and be in the Med right now! I could work for NOAA or on a research vessel and save a fat lot more than that. But I'd definitely have to be somebody's bitch for that. The government's bitch too. I think after the 3rd issue is out and after the holidays and mexico i'm going to take a few cooking classes, and see if i can't improve on my one-pots, sauces, soups and stews. that's what really makes a boat cook's job tolerable. not the way i cook with elaborate salads, pizza, pasta with 4 different sauce options, etc. that's just silly unless you're union.
my perfect land life would be this: live in a big 4 bedroom house, where a dozen other sailors pay approx $200 per month each to be able to live there part of the year and keep there stuff there the rest of the year. 2 rooms would have 4-6 bunks in each, and the other two would be private - one for me and one for the others to share or rotate through, depending on needs or how long they had rented there. i would do all the provisioning, cooking, most cleaning, and bill paying in return for my costs being covered. i could have a part time job and run the magazine more efficiently. we could even have a dog.
it'd be great! and we could accommodate very temporary visiting sailors into our little house-community too. people could receive mail there, feel at home on land... it'd be so perfect. i'd love to have this new mexico property work out that way, but it's so out of the way that not many could reasonably call it home.
anyway, i dumped my movies and pics from my camera onto the 'puter. here's what i've got: the first was taken during my weekly delivery route to bainbridge/kitsap. a short vid coming into the winslow dock. note: a lot of my vids are totally uneventful, and just a way that people can say Oh man, i remember being there...
the next one is an attempt at getting the lovely clouds and mount rainier in the shot, from the puyallup area, i believe.
my perfect land life would be this: live in a big 4 bedroom house, where a dozen other sailors pay approx $200 per month each to be able to live there part of the year and keep there stuff there the rest of the year. 2 rooms would have 4-6 bunks in each, and the other two would be private - one for me and one for the others to share or rotate through, depending on needs or how long they had rented there. i would do all the provisioning, cooking, most cleaning, and bill paying in return for my costs being covered. i could have a part time job and run the magazine more efficiently. we could even have a dog.
it'd be great! and we could accommodate very temporary visiting sailors into our little house-community too. people could receive mail there, feel at home on land... it'd be so perfect. i'd love to have this new mexico property work out that way, but it's so out of the way that not many could reasonably call it home.
anyway, i dumped my movies and pics from my camera onto the 'puter. here's what i've got: the first was taken during my weekly delivery route to bainbridge/kitsap. a short vid coming into the winslow dock. note: a lot of my vids are totally uneventful, and just a way that people can say Oh man, i remember being there...
the next one is an attempt at getting the lovely clouds and mount rainier in the shot, from the puyallup area, i believe.
police your own community
Haven't been too inspired to blog lately. Work went fine last week, nothing too messed up. Our worst driver and coworker was told to shove off a few days before he was quitting, and we were pretty damn happy about his early departure. He's this "musician" and skater who is the biggest self-righteous hypocrite I've met in years. At first I enjoyed chatting with him but then regretted opening the lines of communication because all he ever really wanted to do was complain about the job. Sure we all have our bad days, but every day was bad for him and he said things like "this is the worst job I've ever had." which is totally ridiculous because it's so freakin' easy and the bosses are totally laid back and awesome. he'd open up every conversation was "i don't wanna be negative, but...." and on top of it all he was acutely sensitive to any swearing or crude or suggestive sarcasm, which made me want to say "you should go work for the state." i for one hate the stifling laws that make men afraid to joke around in any way shape or form. maybe i just haven't had any bad experiences, but i work around men in most of my jobs and i can't think of any time where i was directly disrespected/harassed. well, except for when i was 19 and my married boss asked me to have sex with him and then made my life suck when i refused. i took action on that, of course. i used to work as a trades helper (helping carpenters & painters) back in 2003 at a big state institution for higher learning and all the guys there were super nice, but there were times when i walked into a room and everyone would fall silent, even though i'd heard them joking and laughing from down the hall. it sucked. nowadays i don't think men have any problem with a woman's work ethic or technical knowledge - i think that if they don't like working with women it's because of the risk of saying something that's going to offend her. this fear is legitimized because of the super sensitive women who heard a joke or had someone flirt with them and then got a guy fired or collected from a big lawsuit. what i have found is that communities in all forms tend to police themselves in a commonsense way. i'm no timid waif but every group of men i've worked with has seemed slightly protective, and in a social setting it's easy to figure out who the creepy people are. and those people often don't get included in group socialization, and if i were to ever complain about the weirdo acting creepy, well first and foremost i'd tell HIM that he was acting offensive, but if he continued that behavior and i complained to my boss i feel confident that he'd be dealt with and it would either stop or he'd be fired or given a different job. but i guess i don't know what other women go through. but i think there's a lower ratio of rapists & assholes in the workplace than women who aren't confident enough to put an offender in his place. once i read something about the difference between women being catcalled on the street in the US vs Italy. In the US the girl will pretend to ignore the man and scamper away. In Italy the girl will turn to him and say "Don't talk to me like that! Were you raised in a barn?!" or something like that.
Kim, not Josephine (yay!)
after many hours spent at top pot today, including coffee, doughnuts, ginger beer and a Bubble Up! soda... mostly spent editing and laying out an article about evergreen's sailing program, i walked over to the bus stop and managed to get into an argument with some homeless guys.
it's dark, it's downtown, i'm female, i'm alone, and it's a bus stop. i'm always ready for some random dude, homeless or not, to try and strike up conversation with me when there's absolutely nobody else around, at which point i want to say "it's dark. i'm alone here. i'm sure you're a nice person but a woman never knows so do me favor and realize this is a bad time to try and make friends with me."
in tonight's scenario, two homeless men in their late 40's walk by, one of them tells me i should "smile sometime" with which i respond with a half-smile. he proceeds to sit down on the bench next to where i'm standing and rant to his friend loudly about how all he cares about is to make one person smile every day, whether it's a homeless person or a millionaire, and if they can't do that then well he's sorry but their life must really suck, and homeless people are some of the happiest people he knows while rich people can be really fucking miserable. this last line keeps downgrading as the rant goes on: if people don't smile back....then well it really ruins his day, ....then well they should just shoot themselves in the fucking head, ....then well it makes him wanna go around shooting those people in the head, ending with (especially for me)... then well it makes him wanna kill a bitch.
thank god that i'm finally exposed to stuff/people enough to see that these guys are not crack/methheads, and that they are only drunks. much safer. and i was pretty sure by the looks of them that at one point they'd been commercial fishermen. i'm pretty sure that loud drunk guy thinks he's teaching me some life lessons, and i risked getting myself into a mess when i looked at him and said "yeah i know this whole monologue is for me, but try being female and alone downtown and smiling at everyone and see what kind of creeps start following you around." and he says "i'm a nice guy, why didn't you smile at me?" and i said "actually you seem like a real asshole."
and with that, i made two new friends, Mike and Tim.
Tim is a very well spoken bearded man originally from Phoenix who went to college in Flagstaff. He apologized for Mike and agreed that my point made sense, while unzipping a nice backpack to fill his new stainless steel travel mug with beer. I figured him for a maintenance drunk. Mike then also apologized (but not until he ranted about me being a lesbian for awhile) and told me how he used to work on commercial fishing and crabbing boats off the Oregon coast. He was excited because he was finally getting an apartment this week after being homeless for three years. they both work for a small stipend, cooking one day per week for the mentally disabled at a downtown facility. They formally introduced themselves to me, shaking my hand, and were glad that my name was so simple to remember and not "Josephine" or something like that.
they got on the same bus as i and they sat in the back after calling out "bye, Kim!" because i sat in the front and read my book. a big group of preschoolers boarded the bus and i heard the now jovial mike telling them stories the entire way. "back when i was logging... and then when i was working on crab boats.... yeah my dad taught me how to live off the land... i can butcher a rabbit, i can butcher a deer, it's a god-given talent." the kids asked him all sorts of questions and he loved the attention.
i have lived well below what the government considers poverty-level income since i was 16 years old. i suppose it's fortunate that i often appear and behave in a way that the general public correlates with people who are slightly more $ecure or educated. i think a lot of kids my age manage this. i'm a bit OCD at times but considering my lifestyle over the last 18 years, the best things to never plague me are addiction and unwanted pregnancy. One day late, but I'll give thanks for that.
it's dark, it's downtown, i'm female, i'm alone, and it's a bus stop. i'm always ready for some random dude, homeless or not, to try and strike up conversation with me when there's absolutely nobody else around, at which point i want to say "it's dark. i'm alone here. i'm sure you're a nice person but a woman never knows so do me favor and realize this is a bad time to try and make friends with me."
in tonight's scenario, two homeless men in their late 40's walk by, one of them tells me i should "smile sometime" with which i respond with a half-smile. he proceeds to sit down on the bench next to where i'm standing and rant to his friend loudly about how all he cares about is to make one person smile every day, whether it's a homeless person or a millionaire, and if they can't do that then well he's sorry but their life must really suck, and homeless people are some of the happiest people he knows while rich people can be really fucking miserable. this last line keeps downgrading as the rant goes on: if people don't smile back....then well it really ruins his day, ....then well they should just shoot themselves in the fucking head, ....then well it makes him wanna go around shooting those people in the head, ending with (especially for me)... then well it makes him wanna kill a bitch.
thank god that i'm finally exposed to stuff/people enough to see that these guys are not crack/methheads, and that they are only drunks. much safer. and i was pretty sure by the looks of them that at one point they'd been commercial fishermen. i'm pretty sure that loud drunk guy thinks he's teaching me some life lessons, and i risked getting myself into a mess when i looked at him and said "yeah i know this whole monologue is for me, but try being female and alone downtown and smiling at everyone and see what kind of creeps start following you around." and he says "i'm a nice guy, why didn't you smile at me?" and i said "actually you seem like a real asshole."
and with that, i made two new friends, Mike and Tim.
Tim is a very well spoken bearded man originally from Phoenix who went to college in Flagstaff. He apologized for Mike and agreed that my point made sense, while unzipping a nice backpack to fill his new stainless steel travel mug with beer. I figured him for a maintenance drunk. Mike then also apologized (but not until he ranted about me being a lesbian for awhile) and told me how he used to work on commercial fishing and crabbing boats off the Oregon coast. He was excited because he was finally getting an apartment this week after being homeless for three years. they both work for a small stipend, cooking one day per week for the mentally disabled at a downtown facility. They formally introduced themselves to me, shaking my hand, and were glad that my name was so simple to remember and not "Josephine" or something like that.
they got on the same bus as i and they sat in the back after calling out "bye, Kim!" because i sat in the front and read my book. a big group of preschoolers boarded the bus and i heard the now jovial mike telling them stories the entire way. "back when i was logging... and then when i was working on crab boats.... yeah my dad taught me how to live off the land... i can butcher a rabbit, i can butcher a deer, it's a god-given talent." the kids asked him all sorts of questions and he loved the attention.
i have lived well below what the government considers poverty-level income since i was 16 years old. i suppose it's fortunate that i often appear and behave in a way that the general public correlates with people who are slightly more $ecure or educated. i think a lot of kids my age manage this. i'm a bit OCD at times but considering my lifestyle over the last 18 years, the best things to never plague me are addiction and unwanted pregnancy. One day late, but I'll give thanks for that.
top pot-head
i haven't decided whether or not i like charlotte gainsburg's music.
i think there's an addictive ingredient BESIDES SUGAR AND CHOCOLATE in top pot doughnuts.
a friend lent me the book The Great Shark Hunt by Hunter S. Thompson. it's awesome. it's true - the nixon administration IS a parallel universe. i guess the reason i never read thompson before was because i don't identify with drug culture and labels like Gonzo Journalism seem so contrived. thompson's insights are so right on, in an almost creepy way, when i remind myself that this book was written in the 70's.
oh and when did men become harder to understand than women? is this part of evolution and the not so slow emasculation of mankind? is it finally time to start that colony of Amazons?
i think there's an addictive ingredient BESIDES SUGAR AND CHOCOLATE in top pot doughnuts.
a friend lent me the book The Great Shark Hunt by Hunter S. Thompson. it's awesome. it's true - the nixon administration IS a parallel universe. i guess the reason i never read thompson before was because i don't identify with drug culture and labels like Gonzo Journalism seem so contrived. thompson's insights are so right on, in an almost creepy way, when i remind myself that this book was written in the 70's.
oh and when did men become harder to understand than women? is this part of evolution and the not so slow emasculation of mankind? is it finally time to start that colony of Amazons?
besides the excellent food...
beautiful she-men of the South Pacific
300-boat sailing races from cali to ensenada, ending with orgies all you can drink tequila
5am trips to the Seattle Art Museum in a tux
a room full of workers in Louisiana laughing because you were sure that grits were ground up pigs feet.
repo men who collect cars, boats AND planes.
...all pieces of stories you get to listen to when you spend thanksgiving dinner with a retired sea captain and 4 other sailors.
300-boat sailing races from cali to ensenada, ending with orgies all you can drink tequila
5am trips to the Seattle Art Museum in a tux
a room full of workers in Louisiana laughing because you were sure that grits were ground up pigs feet.
repo men who collect cars, boats AND planes.
...all pieces of stories you get to listen to when you spend thanksgiving dinner with a retired sea captain and 4 other sailors.
eat this
Jesika drove up from Portland yesterday and we commenced a 24-hour food and alchohol lover's exploratory tour of Seattle.
First there was lunch at Tamarind Tree, where we ordered perfectly. In the picture you see the green mango salad with prawns, $6, in the foreground and the chili lemongrass beef, $9, (chili-lem beef, greens and vermicelli) behind it. We had tea and water with this, and the tofu tamarind tree spring rolls as appetizers. It was all incredibly tasty. The menu descriptions aren't elaborate but what you get is full of awesomely spiced meat and very fresh, nicely julienned and arranged fruits and vegetables.
Then we hit up the Rhum Bar "Marazul" where not a soul was around - no bartender, hostess, customers... so we sat at the bar and contemplated all the rum we could make off with, still surprised that we'd walked into any bar with Dark & Stormies on the menu. When someone arrived a while later to make us a drink, I discovered that they even use Reeds Ginger Beer for their dark & stormies! Overall it was a weird corporate-restaurant vibe in an equally awkward location (adjacent to the lobby of a new hotel, not within easy walking distance to either downtown or Belltown) and the drinks were weak, but it was still refreshing to see so much rum and dark and stormies being served as a standard. We joked about the frat/yuppie/corporate scene there and how the fountains that made one think of giant wet vaginas somehow fit in perfectly.
I was in the mood for something sweet and not willing to pay the price or risk the disappointment with Marazul's dessert list, so we headed over to Top Pot Doughnuts, where they make their treats from scratch, including roasting their own coffee. We ate a variety of old-fashioneds and drank some americanos.
But it was only 7pm when we left, and neither of us having to work Monday, we were still in the mood to drink, so we parked her car at my place and walked over to the oldest bar in this corner of the world: Jules Maes Saloon.
After a few cans of Oly and lots of nice conversation about boats and boys and american society and the food service industry, we walked home to finish the night off with a bottle of Vinas de Vila Tinto Fundacion red wine and some vbs.tv. That red is very much my current cheap favorite. approx $6 for a great south american fruity red.
Today we splurged on lunch (if you are like me and think a total of $22 each, plus tip is kinda spendy - but a lot of people don't think that's much for what we were getting) at the best french cafe in Seattle, Le Pichet. Le Pichet is by Pike Place Market and is the most authentically french cafe I've ever visited outside of France.
Our order: baked thin sliced ham with eggs and gruyere (bottom left, $8), haricot & tuna salad with perfectly hardboiled eggs, beautiful tomato slices, endive and spices (bottom right, $9), breaded & fried sweetbreads with roasted pecans, julienned apples and cold boiled beets (upper right, $9) and a demi-pichet (equal to 4 glasses) of clos roche blanche sauvignon blanc ($11). after all this came the best dessert i've had in a long time: chocolate chaud - a cup of sweet dark melted chocolate served with a bowl of fresh whipped cream ($6) where you dip your spoon into the cream and then into the chocolate. yeah. awesome. 
before leaving the market Jesika bought some of her favorite chocolate milk and couldn't wait to try it. 
A day in seattle is not complete without awesome coffee so we went over to lighthouse roasters for americanos and some reading. jesika bought 1/2 a pound to take home and before she left for portland we stopped to take a photo of ourselves at the elliott bay marina. 
First there was lunch at Tamarind Tree, where we ordered perfectly. In the picture you see the green mango salad with prawns, $6, in the foreground and the chili lemongrass beef, $9, (chili-lem beef, greens and vermicelli) behind it. We had tea and water with this, and the tofu tamarind tree spring rolls as appetizers. It was all incredibly tasty. The menu descriptions aren't elaborate but what you get is full of awesomely spiced meat and very fresh, nicely julienned and arranged fruits and vegetables.
Then we hit up the Rhum Bar "Marazul" where not a soul was around - no bartender, hostess, customers... so we sat at the bar and contemplated all the rum we could make off with, still surprised that we'd walked into any bar with Dark & Stormies on the menu. When someone arrived a while later to make us a drink, I discovered that they even use Reeds Ginger Beer for their dark & stormies! Overall it was a weird corporate-restaurant vibe in an equally awkward location (adjacent to the lobby of a new hotel, not within easy walking distance to either downtown or Belltown) and the drinks were weak, but it was still refreshing to see so much rum and dark and stormies being served as a standard. We joked about the frat/yuppie/corporate scene there and how the fountains that made one think of giant wet vaginas somehow fit in perfectly.
I was in the mood for something sweet and not willing to pay the price or risk the disappointment with Marazul's dessert list, so we headed over to Top Pot Doughnuts, where they make their treats from scratch, including roasting their own coffee. We ate a variety of old-fashioneds and drank some americanos.
But it was only 7pm when we left, and neither of us having to work Monday, we were still in the mood to drink, so we parked her car at my place and walked over to the oldest bar in this corner of the world: Jules Maes Saloon.
After a few cans of Oly and lots of nice conversation about boats and boys and american society and the food service industry, we walked home to finish the night off with a bottle of Vinas de Vila Tinto Fundacion red wine and some vbs.tv. That red is very much my current cheap favorite. approx $6 for a great south american fruity red.Today we splurged on lunch (if you are like me and think a total of $22 each, plus tip is kinda spendy - but a lot of people don't think that's much for what we were getting) at the best french cafe in Seattle, Le Pichet. Le Pichet is by Pike Place Market and is the most authentically french cafe I've ever visited outside of France.
Our order: baked thin sliced ham with eggs and gruyere (bottom left, $8), haricot & tuna salad with perfectly hardboiled eggs, beautiful tomato slices, endive and spices (bottom right, $9), breaded & fried sweetbreads with roasted pecans, julienned apples and cold boiled beets (upper right, $9) and a demi-pichet (equal to 4 glasses) of clos roche blanche sauvignon blanc ($11). after all this came the best dessert i've had in a long time: chocolate chaud - a cup of sweet dark melted chocolate served with a bowl of fresh whipped cream ($6) where you dip your spoon into the cream and then into the chocolate. yeah. awesome. 
before leaving the market Jesika bought some of her favorite chocolate milk and couldn't wait to try it. 
A day in seattle is not complete without awesome coffee so we went over to lighthouse roasters for americanos and some reading. jesika bought 1/2 a pound to take home and before she left for portland we stopped to take a photo of ourselves at the elliott bay marina. 
roughing it
Yesterday I hung out with the people from work at a great little bar near my "neighborhood." I put quotes around that because most people barely know that there is any semblance of a neighborhood in Seattle's major industrial and shipping area. I didn't even know there was a neighborhood here until I moved here. While growing up the only landmark I attributed to this part of town was the big red Rainier Beer 'R' hovering next to I-5. It's still disappointing to see the Tully's 'T' there instead. Georgetown was actually one of the first places settled up here, back in the 1850's, eventually pushing out the Duwamish people and building a small town, including bars, the brewery, a racetrack, an airstrip, churches, a school, a theater, some brothels and even a grocery store. I wish there was a grocery store here now. The Japanese market and the convenience stores aren't enough. This is also where the first Seattle railroad was built - by volunteers! When Interstate 5 went in the little town pretty much died. No school, no grocery stores. Still some bars, though. One of them is now Seattle's oldest bar. about 1000 people live in georgetown, yet over 12 thousand come here to work every day.
So we all got a bit trashed at the bar and I stumbled up Capitol Hill with a friend, where eventually we went our separate ways - I to the Egyptian to see Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and he went to meet a friend of his. The movie was excellent but also very dark and sad. Today I docked a 65' schooner a few times just to get the hang of it, on this particularly difficult dock. Oh and strangely I ran into some friends of mine, a couple, and the girl had a black eye. I said jokingly "has (he) been roughing you up?" and she laughed earnestly and said some stuff but didn't explain it. then i saw that he had two very deep scratches behind his ear. pretty crazy! at that point i didn't ask any more questions or joke around. i feel certain that this isn't some kind of ongoing domestic violence thing. i was going to ask them if they joined Fight Club but then considered that they might just like things rough every now and then ;) Regardless, I hope they weren't mugged or anything.
So we all got a bit trashed at the bar and I stumbled up Capitol Hill with a friend, where eventually we went our separate ways - I to the Egyptian to see Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and he went to meet a friend of his. The movie was excellent but also very dark and sad. Today I docked a 65' schooner a few times just to get the hang of it, on this particularly difficult dock. Oh and strangely I ran into some friends of mine, a couple, and the girl had a black eye. I said jokingly "has (he) been roughing you up?" and she laughed earnestly and said some stuff but didn't explain it. then i saw that he had two very deep scratches behind his ear. pretty crazy! at that point i didn't ask any more questions or joke around. i feel certain that this isn't some kind of ongoing domestic violence thing. i was going to ask them if they joined Fight Club but then considered that they might just like things rough every now and then ;) Regardless, I hope they weren't mugged or anything.
dear seattle pedestrians & bicyclists
you are all crazy.
i fly through the streets in a huge vehicle, it is raining, it is chaos. pedestrian, you like to dress in all black and run out into a crosswalk on rainy nights. bicyclists, you ride down rainy, flooded streets in the industrial section, full of potholes and no streetlights.
YOU ARE CRAZY!
and strangely, you are all Caucasian.
i gotta say it - the folks in the more ethnically diverse neighborhoods use a hell of a lot more common sense when exposing their tender human bodies to an unpredictable storm of moving steel, glass and rubber.
natural selection is not looking out for you, but i am. not out of kindness as much as self-preservation. i guess you are counting on everyone to be like me. i guess you are counting on everyone putting you above their supposed important cell call, dicks burger and lipstick. good luck with that. best not to venture outside this city, i think!
as for me, yeah... i ride my bike in the industrial area every day. on the sidewalk if i can. i practice defensive driving more when i'm exposed on a bike or motorcycle than when i'm in a big steel cage.
if i ever were to (god forbid) hit you, it'd be an accident, and i'd probably get convicted of involuntary manslaughter or something like that. if it was gross negligence on my part (ain't gonna happen) then maybe there'd be a fine and community service. but you... you'd be maimed or dead!
i wish seattle had the sense that portland does. i wish we had more dedicated bike trails devoid of car traffic. i wish everyone just rode their bikes! i don't even own a car! but all you folks who ride bikes and want cars to fuck off in general, well i can only speak for myself but that thing you just bought had to be delivered to the store somehow. it'd cost a hell of a lot more and more likely just not be available (seeing as how it's imported) if there wasn't a van to deliver it. i understand the loathing for car traffic in the city. i feel the same way. but as it stands now, i'd rather everyone just used some common sense or at the very least, survival instincts, and stay safe.
i fly through the streets in a huge vehicle, it is raining, it is chaos. pedestrian, you like to dress in all black and run out into a crosswalk on rainy nights. bicyclists, you ride down rainy, flooded streets in the industrial section, full of potholes and no streetlights.
YOU ARE CRAZY!
and strangely, you are all Caucasian.
i gotta say it - the folks in the more ethnically diverse neighborhoods use a hell of a lot more common sense when exposing their tender human bodies to an unpredictable storm of moving steel, glass and rubber.
natural selection is not looking out for you, but i am. not out of kindness as much as self-preservation. i guess you are counting on everyone to be like me. i guess you are counting on everyone putting you above their supposed important cell call, dicks burger and lipstick. good luck with that. best not to venture outside this city, i think!
as for me, yeah... i ride my bike in the industrial area every day. on the sidewalk if i can. i practice defensive driving more when i'm exposed on a bike or motorcycle than when i'm in a big steel cage.
if i ever were to (god forbid) hit you, it'd be an accident, and i'd probably get convicted of involuntary manslaughter or something like that. if it was gross negligence on my part (ain't gonna happen) then maybe there'd be a fine and community service. but you... you'd be maimed or dead!
i wish seattle had the sense that portland does. i wish we had more dedicated bike trails devoid of car traffic. i wish everyone just rode their bikes! i don't even own a car! but all you folks who ride bikes and want cars to fuck off in general, well i can only speak for myself but that thing you just bought had to be delivered to the store somehow. it'd cost a hell of a lot more and more likely just not be available (seeing as how it's imported) if there wasn't a van to deliver it. i understand the loathing for car traffic in the city. i feel the same way. but as it stands now, i'd rather everyone just used some common sense or at the very least, survival instincts, and stay safe.
the almost winners
my official staff photographer for Jack Tar, carl rhodes gave me tons of pics that he took at the classic workboat show. that's me, colleen and carl in line for the bollard toss contest. colleen almost won. the next is of me almost winning the heaving line toss! the last is of colleen, myself and traditional sailor/environmental marine girl Laura watching other people throw. oh and hey! there's my new friend Lia sitting and eating on the bench behind me. i didn't meet her until 2 weeks after this was taken, but she's pretty cool - especially with those alaska slippers she sports (cutoff xtratufs).
a trip to the movies
was i not meant to sail this month? what is UP? the race was canceled today due to high winds, which weren't really that high (25kts).
so i went to see a matinee of American Gangster
Awesome movie! if you took Blow and The Departed (sans narc) and threw in a lot more situations dealing with race, society and capitalism-gone-awry, you have American Gangster. All of the acting was great, including bit parts by Common, and Kevin Corrigan, who I fell a little bit in love with in the film "Walking & Talking" years ago. It would have been pretty sweet to see Mos Def and Andre in there too but Common is enough I guess :) It tweaked me in the wrong way a little when Lucas went to Bangkok and later when he fell for a sexy Latina, being so very similar to the Blow storyline, but that's how it really happened so it's not like they should have altered it or anything. I thought it was going to end even more like Blow but they didn't thoroughly explain what happened to his family and relationships. At first I liked the subtlety of how they showed him doing exactly what his dead mentor professed to hate, but they kept driving the point home again and again, which made it not-so-subtle. But it's a good point about capitalism and monopolies so it didn't ruin it for me. Denzel and Crowe give great performances. Russell Crowe is a great actor. He's so believable and charismatic.
so i went to see a matinee of American Gangster
Awesome movie! if you took Blow and The Departed (sans narc) and threw in a lot more situations dealing with race, society and capitalism-gone-awry, you have American Gangster. All of the acting was great, including bit parts by Common, and Kevin Corrigan, who I fell a little bit in love with in the film "Walking & Talking" years ago. It would have been pretty sweet to see Mos Def and Andre in there too but Common is enough I guess :) It tweaked me in the wrong way a little when Lucas went to Bangkok and later when he fell for a sexy Latina, being so very similar to the Blow storyline, but that's how it really happened so it's not like they should have altered it or anything. I thought it was going to end even more like Blow but they didn't thoroughly explain what happened to his family and relationships. At first I liked the subtlety of how they showed him doing exactly what his dead mentor professed to hate, but they kept driving the point home again and again, which made it not-so-subtle. But it's a good point about capitalism and monopolies so it didn't ruin it for me. Denzel and Crowe give great performances. Russell Crowe is a great actor. He's so believable and charismatic.
Police Beat
i suppose i'm a bit of a narcissist/exhibitionist for even having this blog, but i only feel a fleeting twinge of shame for that when someone i respect hints that stuff like this is lame. only a twinge though, because i know that i like to write and i've never kept a journal for more than a month in my entire life, so there must be some reason, however fucked up, that i do this. maybe it's because i listen to everyone talk about their problems, their feelings, their passions, and i never feel quite as comfortable talking out loud to people about myself. i talk to polly and nanette and jarad about how i'm feeling, but i try to keep it short because polly's busy, nanette is constantly thinking about her projects and family and working towards a better future for everyone, and it isn't appropriate to talk to my ex-boyfriend about EVERYTHING, just because he will listen whether it's good for him or not. mentally i'm a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and just about every day i go from feeling pure happiness, driving my van along some gorgeous northwest tree-lined waterway to teary sadness while thinking about how in general relationships between most humans are unloving and disconnected. on thursday i drove through a windswept cloud of fallen red and orange leaves along chuckanut drive and thought the world was so perfect. on friday i was stopped at a light next to a construction site and some older construction worker smiled at me and i looked away. i instantly felt terrible, remembering how nice it is to have someone smile back, just for the sake of being friendly. i felt at that moment like i was perpetuating the whole unloving-human problem in the world.
now how could i sit with a friend and tell them that? with a straight face? it's easy to sit here and type it but to hear it out loud makes me wonder if i'm just waaaaay too emotional or bipolar or something. i know that every now and then i write things here that some might feel is too personal for public consumption, but very few people read this. those closest to me know i'm not totally off my rocker and the rest i don't care what they think.
today i practiced docking a big schooner and spent a lot of time in a cafe working on the zine. tonight i watched a local-made movie called Police Beat, which my roommates had ordered through netflix. i really liked it because it was set in many beautiful seattle locations, with a lot of crazies you might only find up here, and with an ethnically diverse cast. i think that last part is what truly makes this movie unique. i've seen movies which feature different groups of one ethnicity, but this had a distinctly seattle feel in that individuals from different races, religions and subcultures are all thrown together on a daily basis here. i don't know - it's probably like that in new york city too. i really like the main character and the script was good. there were a few bad actors with small parts, but not bad enough to ruin the movie.
now how could i sit with a friend and tell them that? with a straight face? it's easy to sit here and type it but to hear it out loud makes me wonder if i'm just waaaaay too emotional or bipolar or something. i know that every now and then i write things here that some might feel is too personal for public consumption, but very few people read this. those closest to me know i'm not totally off my rocker and the rest i don't care what they think.
today i practiced docking a big schooner and spent a lot of time in a cafe working on the zine. tonight i watched a local-made movie called Police Beat, which my roommates had ordered through netflix. i really liked it because it was set in many beautiful seattle locations, with a lot of crazies you might only find up here, and with an ethnically diverse cast. i think that last part is what truly makes this movie unique. i've seen movies which feature different groups of one ethnicity, but this had a distinctly seattle feel in that individuals from different races, religions and subcultures are all thrown together on a daily basis here. i don't know - it's probably like that in new york city too. i really like the main character and the script was good. there were a few bad actors with small parts, but not bad enough to ruin the movie.
on a lark
so i'm eating a "Ms.Piggy" pulled pork sandwich and sitting with some new boat friends at smarty pants last night and one of them is a cook. i tell him he should go check out these highly acclaimed and very pricey bistros on capital hill - the chef at "Lark" just landed sumthin like the nobel peace prize for chef-ing, but one visit is going to run about $100 per person. he asks me if I've eaten there and i laugh and say i don't see that happening anytime soon, then he says Ok, It's no fun to go alone, so how about I buy, you fly? and whereas normally i'd turn down someone i barely know spending that much money on me, i said Uh, Ok! because he seemed like a nice person who just wanted to try the place out and Wow I'm going to Lark. Nice.
dear diary...
i'm a big silly dork. bright but not brilliant. cute when i'm pretending to be but never Ultra Hot. i act immature and ridiculous and dress in stupid clothing all because i don't really care and i think it's funny, but in retrospect i can see why non-sailor (and plenty of actual sailor) guys aren't very attracted to me. i'm barely civilized, not well-read... but i can still carry on a good conversation with just about anybody. i'm in fine shape and look great naked, i'm good in bed... but that isn't really discernible because i actually look kinda fat in clothes - hippy, y'know, not hippie... wide hips... plus i'm not graceful or classy in actions or looks. i guess none of this matters much when i imagine myself on my own little boat with a dog and lots of friends to hang out with in every port, but like anyone i meet a person i admire and am attracted to and begin to think warm cuddly kissy thoughts of watching dvds and drinking wine on rainy nights. maybe getting a massage. damn, do i need a massage! plus i listened to sappy david wilcox in the van yesterday... "when i lived so free alone, i had an empty harvest..." BAD IDEA. i like being single, it's true. i like the privacy of it because i'm so inherently attentive and accommodating with other people around that i lose track of my own needs. what i want is a guy to hang out with one night per week. i'm pretty busy with sailing stuff now, and work and the zine. and i have friends i like to hang out with alone. it'd be fun to look forward to that one night all week. and then who knows, months and months down the line maybe it'll turn into something else. but one night per week sounds awesome to me.
this is all coming from thoughts about how i haven't really "dated" anyone in well over 2 years. i went from landon to jarad and then started seeing someone again whom with i'd had a weird relationship before i even met landon or jarad. so i met someone who is intelligent and kind, is my age, humble yet confident, with nice eyes, a sweet smile, and strong legs. (what can i say? i like a guy with strong legs! i don't know why it's that in particular!) and after a few weeks of thinking about it i ask him out in a half-assed way via voicemail (he was watching a movie at the time). when he called back i was at a bar with friends and he left a voicemail that gave me absolutely no hint that the interest in hanging out with me was mutual. so... yeah. that sucks.
for a brief moment i thought maybe i should try to act more classy - you know, not swear as much, not talk about puking and porn, not broadcast private stuff as though it's nothing (like i am right here) maybe not get any more dumb tattoos. but then who would i be? not myself. maturity is for the most part overrated, but when it's necessary i rise to the occasion 100%. and the most important things to me are how genuinely i give and receive love from those closest to me, not living in a way that causes much harm to this world both physically and karmically, and being the kind of person who dives right in to scary or unknown situations in order to enlighten myself or help others. nothing else really matters, so why would i try to conform just to land a few dates with a guy who didn't value those same things as much as me?
this is all coming from thoughts about how i haven't really "dated" anyone in well over 2 years. i went from landon to jarad and then started seeing someone again whom with i'd had a weird relationship before i even met landon or jarad. so i met someone who is intelligent and kind, is my age, humble yet confident, with nice eyes, a sweet smile, and strong legs. (what can i say? i like a guy with strong legs! i don't know why it's that in particular!) and after a few weeks of thinking about it i ask him out in a half-assed way via voicemail (he was watching a movie at the time). when he called back i was at a bar with friends and he left a voicemail that gave me absolutely no hint that the interest in hanging out with me was mutual. so... yeah. that sucks.
for a brief moment i thought maybe i should try to act more classy - you know, not swear as much, not talk about puking and porn, not broadcast private stuff as though it's nothing (like i am right here) maybe not get any more dumb tattoos. but then who would i be? not myself. maturity is for the most part overrated, but when it's necessary i rise to the occasion 100%. and the most important things to me are how genuinely i give and receive love from those closest to me, not living in a way that causes much harm to this world both physically and karmically, and being the kind of person who dives right in to scary or unknown situations in order to enlighten myself or help others. nothing else really matters, so why would i try to conform just to land a few dates with a guy who didn't value those same things as much as me?
tamarind tree
the crew of the noaa research fishing vessel, Oscar Dyson, invited me out for vietnamese food last night. i joined colleen, carl, kurt and dennis on a trip to "tamarind tree" in the international district. besides going out for pho, i'm not too experienced with vietnamese food, so i left the ordering up to colleen. she ordered the restaurant's special spring rolls, lemongrass chicken, make-your-own spring rolls with various skewered meats and tofu, and a beef salad. the food was awesome, the atmosphere totally kicks ass along with the prices. my gin and tonic was strong... and those were the best spring rolls i've ever had in my LIFE. (refer to the picture on that page)
fall back
i have 3 day weekends so usually i manage to fit a lot of stuff into them. this weekend wasn't much different, although much of it was spent lounging around at nanette's. on friday the people from work and i went out for drinks and food and mostly talked about movies. then i went to see Into the Wild, which could have been one of the best movies ever except for one major deal-breaker. i have always hated jena malone. enduring her presence in great movies such as donnie darko, united states of leland and the dangerous lives of altar boys was hard. i can suffer through her playing a small part, but ANOTHER MOVIE using her to narrate just makes me want to break something. they could have left out her narration altogether and this movie would have been excellent. in a lot of ways it was excellent - especially the first hour. the main character reminded me a lot of ozzie, nate, and shawn j; friends who have gone on similar adventures, with the same attitude and probably had the same affect on strangers. this type of guy isn't too new to me, after working traditional boats. i also felt a lot of kinship with him in the way he related to his dysfunctional, materialistic parents. the film editing was awesome in the first hour, and then it seems as though maybe someone else took over. it got a lot more erratic halfway into it, but i loved the shooting style of the opening scenes - the subject of every shot was left mostly out of the picture, making me imagine what was going on over there...
on saturday i went sailing on a j24. well no i didn't really go sailing... we took the boat out in 25 knots of wind and couldn't get the main up. on this boat the luff bolt rope slides into a track on the mast, and the mainsail holds up the boom cos there's no topping lift. so there we were - attempting to set the main, with the boom sagging into the cockpit and even getting stuck under the main traveler there, with a green sailor on the tiller who had only sailed lake washington, with 25 knots of wind and a 2-3 foot chop outta the south and me never having been on a j24. but i'm thinking what the fuck this can't be that hard... it seems as though the helmsperson is never heading the boat up enough to set this thing, so the skipper and i are constantly yelling back at her, poor thing. the halyard was bizarrely difficult to haul so i figured there must be something wrong with this main rigging. apparently with a setup like this the boat has to be straight into the wind because since the actual SAIL is in the track, drag created by the bolt rope up against the track can work against the upward motion too much. so the helmsperson is freaking out and i'm trying to keep the floppy sail on the boat and i yell back at her to just let everything go so the boat will head up on it's own. instead, as if it didn't have a keel, the boat turns abeam of the wind and heels over about 45 degrees! later we find out that this boat is "finicky" and never heads up when left to it's own devices. we bring the sail down and decide to return to the marina to drink wine. an hour of listening to a sail luff really hard, while manually holding the boom in place is enough on the nerves to give up on a little daysail. two hours later the three of us were drunk when the other two boats in our group pulled in. they all went out to eat but i headed over to nanettes.
today i visited a friend who wants to advertise in my zine, and PAY for it (!!!) he hosts a brunch in his basement and backyard every year, and today was the day. whenever i'm in ballard now i see all these condos going up, all these neo yuppies or whatever they are walking around, often with cute babies or dogs, and inevitably i start thinking about how ballard used to be. i grew up partly in ballard and greenwood when my mom still had me, and my mom went to ballard high school. nanette lives across the street from where my kindergarten was, and there's condos there now. i used to run around golden gardens and the locks. the neighborhood was full of old Norwegians. every time i move back to seattle now i feel a deeper divide between the grungy blue collar seattle that i grew up in and respect, and the northern version of LA that we are turning into. but a walk past all the condos and restored craftsman homes to visit adrian is always refreshing...
this house was bought by he and his girlfriend about 5 years ago for just under 400K. it's now worth twice that. it doesn't matter that it's trashed, there's 2 shades of blue paint randomly covering the siding, there's chickens in the front yard and a tore up backyard. somebody would pay that much for a 3 story solidly structured brick home on this very valuable piece of property. back when he and his gf were still together, the house didn't look like this. they held sopranos dinner parties and we all drank wine and sat at a big dinner table. now he holds shows in the basement, huge parties that offend his neighbors, he doesn't allow clothing in his hot tub, and he rents his rooms out to really fun folks who enjoy hanging out as much as he does.
so i get there and noticed the chickens were loose and going over to the neighbors and so i corralled them back to the yard, then went to the basement to find adrian cooking up eggs, bacon and hashbrowns on a big grill in the corner. he had a bucket full of bloodymary with ice in a pan on top and a bowl of celery sticks and olives next to it. (that's adrian cooking and the girl on the right is a researcher for UW Fisheries and wants to be photographed in her waders for my calendar!! LoL)
a few chairs were in the basement along with a big folding table for everyone to eat at. the crowd was made up of maritime folks, some baristas, local musicians, and some other young people who have office jobs. after eating we eventually migrated to the backyard where adrian started a burn pile - dry brush and futon frame. 
i hung out with john, an older dude who works on longliners in the bering sea. erin, who has a dog named latka. this is latka guarding erin's cigs by the hot tub. 
erin told us how she had to spend a night in jail a few weeks ago after a swat team got called by accident to her boyfriend's house and she flipped one of them off. i really liked erin and also lia, who invited everyone to a squidjigging and whiskey party at one of the piers downtown next month.
i love the mix of people i always find at adrians, especially in what seems to be a more and more pretentious and cliquish city. anyone who doesn't have too much of an attitude is welcome there.
on saturday i went sailing on a j24. well no i didn't really go sailing... we took the boat out in 25 knots of wind and couldn't get the main up. on this boat the luff bolt rope slides into a track on the mast, and the mainsail holds up the boom cos there's no topping lift. so there we were - attempting to set the main, with the boom sagging into the cockpit and even getting stuck under the main traveler there, with a green sailor on the tiller who had only sailed lake washington, with 25 knots of wind and a 2-3 foot chop outta the south and me never having been on a j24. but i'm thinking what the fuck this can't be that hard... it seems as though the helmsperson is never heading the boat up enough to set this thing, so the skipper and i are constantly yelling back at her, poor thing. the halyard was bizarrely difficult to haul so i figured there must be something wrong with this main rigging. apparently with a setup like this the boat has to be straight into the wind because since the actual SAIL is in the track, drag created by the bolt rope up against the track can work against the upward motion too much. so the helmsperson is freaking out and i'm trying to keep the floppy sail on the boat and i yell back at her to just let everything go so the boat will head up on it's own. instead, as if it didn't have a keel, the boat turns abeam of the wind and heels over about 45 degrees! later we find out that this boat is "finicky" and never heads up when left to it's own devices. we bring the sail down and decide to return to the marina to drink wine. an hour of listening to a sail luff really hard, while manually holding the boom in place is enough on the nerves to give up on a little daysail. two hours later the three of us were drunk when the other two boats in our group pulled in. they all went out to eat but i headed over to nanettes.
today i visited a friend who wants to advertise in my zine, and PAY for it (!!!) he hosts a brunch in his basement and backyard every year, and today was the day. whenever i'm in ballard now i see all these condos going up, all these neo yuppies or whatever they are walking around, often with cute babies or dogs, and inevitably i start thinking about how ballard used to be. i grew up partly in ballard and greenwood when my mom still had me, and my mom went to ballard high school. nanette lives across the street from where my kindergarten was, and there's condos there now. i used to run around golden gardens and the locks. the neighborhood was full of old Norwegians. every time i move back to seattle now i feel a deeper divide between the grungy blue collar seattle that i grew up in and respect, and the northern version of LA that we are turning into. but a walk past all the condos and restored craftsman homes to visit adrian is always refreshing...
this house was bought by he and his girlfriend about 5 years ago for just under 400K. it's now worth twice that. it doesn't matter that it's trashed, there's 2 shades of blue paint randomly covering the siding, there's chickens in the front yard and a tore up backyard. somebody would pay that much for a 3 story solidly structured brick home on this very valuable piece of property. back when he and his gf were still together, the house didn't look like this. they held sopranos dinner parties and we all drank wine and sat at a big dinner table. now he holds shows in the basement, huge parties that offend his neighbors, he doesn't allow clothing in his hot tub, and he rents his rooms out to really fun folks who enjoy hanging out as much as he does.
so i get there and noticed the chickens were loose and going over to the neighbors and so i corralled them back to the yard, then went to the basement to find adrian cooking up eggs, bacon and hashbrowns on a big grill in the corner. he had a bucket full of bloodymary with ice in a pan on top and a bowl of celery sticks and olives next to it. (that's adrian cooking and the girl on the right is a researcher for UW Fisheries and wants to be photographed in her waders for my calendar!! LoL)
a few chairs were in the basement along with a big folding table for everyone to eat at. the crowd was made up of maritime folks, some baristas, local musicians, and some other young people who have office jobs. after eating we eventually migrated to the backyard where adrian started a burn pile - dry brush and futon frame. 
i hung out with john, an older dude who works on longliners in the bering sea. erin, who has a dog named latka. this is latka guarding erin's cigs by the hot tub. 
erin told us how she had to spend a night in jail a few weeks ago after a swat team got called by accident to her boyfriend's house and she flipped one of them off. i really liked erin and also lia, who invited everyone to a squidjigging and whiskey party at one of the piers downtown next month.i love the mix of people i always find at adrians, especially in what seems to be a more and more pretentious and cliquish city. anyone who doesn't have too much of an attitude is welcome there.
wrapping my brain around a tough situation
today i was able to visit with my grandma for the first time since june. it was only a 15 minute visit, as she lives near my thursday delivery route and i was slightly ahead of schedule today. i can't say enough good things about my grandma (on my mom's side). she's almost 70 years old and totally fit and pretty and smiley and active. lately i've been more worried than usual about how in 20 years i might end up as paranoid, argumentative, self-absorbed and living in denial as my own parents... especially when i think about how my dad's mom was always that way and then died of alzheimers, and how i don't even know my mom's dad because he was murdered in indiana at a young age. but my dad's dad was sweet and kind right to the end, and my one living grandparent, my mom's mom, is healthier than most people i know, no matter what their age. mentally AND physically. and she even smokes!! LoL. here's hoping i have her genes.
i can at least look back and justify the teenage angst i had. it'd be different if i could have grown up and realized how wise and responsible and morally sound my parent's were, and that i'd been a silly rebellious teenager all those years. as it turns out, i was already probably more wise, responsible and morally sound by age 21 than they will ever be - if for no other reason than i didn't bring a life into the world that i couldn't do right by, and i don't force others to take care of me. but trust me... there's a lot more evidence than that. i don't need to carry on about that here.
my father's paranoia, poor memory, and confrontational behavior is so extreme now that often i cannot communicate with him at all. it's akin to visiting an elder in a home and have them start accusing you of spilling your milk when you were five. he's totally functional otherwise, but this has become very upsetting to experience and observe, and i'm not at all capable of dealing with him. i asked my grandma what to do about it and she said there's nothing i can do. unfortunately his new wife has some issues herself and perpetuates his paranoia and negativity. it's all very sad and awful. he's only 55 years old.
i can at least look back and justify the teenage angst i had. it'd be different if i could have grown up and realized how wise and responsible and morally sound my parent's were, and that i'd been a silly rebellious teenager all those years. as it turns out, i was already probably more wise, responsible and morally sound by age 21 than they will ever be - if for no other reason than i didn't bring a life into the world that i couldn't do right by, and i don't force others to take care of me. but trust me... there's a lot more evidence than that. i don't need to carry on about that here.
my father's paranoia, poor memory, and confrontational behavior is so extreme now that often i cannot communicate with him at all. it's akin to visiting an elder in a home and have them start accusing you of spilling your milk when you were five. he's totally functional otherwise, but this has become very upsetting to experience and observe, and i'm not at all capable of dealing with him. i asked my grandma what to do about it and she said there's nothing i can do. unfortunately his new wife has some issues herself and perpetuates his paranoia and negativity. it's all very sad and awful. he's only 55 years old.
